I thought I’d finally be able to breathe. We had a routine, a sense of “normal” again, and on the outside things looked stable. At the time I didn’t realize what was necessarily happening to me. I started noticing more moments of irritability, snapping over small things, and then suddenly having these waves where I’d almost spaz out.
One month, I cried for what felt like a whole week straight, struggling HARD, thinking it was just PMS. I kept wondering if these moments of me literally wanting to freak the f*** out were normal because… WHAT.
The next month, I realized I was getting overstimulated. I didn’t know if it was just me who was struggling this much. I started talking to my mom friends and that always helps after being a little vulnerable. I felt better, like okay… thank God it’s not just me.
But then, it started getting harder. Slowly, everything began to overwhelm me. The day to day tasks I used to kick ass at? I couldn’t keep up anymore. I felt like I was drowning.
And the guilt? The guilt was and still is the worst. (That’s another thing we can totally talk about later).
Work, home, Mateo, Chris, my dogs… everything felt so heavy. That’s when I really started to feel alone — like, is it supposed to feel like this? Am I going to be like this forever? I didn’t want to be like this.
I remember crying in the kitchen while Mateo was calling for me to help him. Even attending to him sometimes felt like, “oh my God 😖.” And yes it’s normal to feel like that on hard days, but you shouldn’t be crying all the time.
Chris and I started having more arguments. I was also trying to figure out who I was again, learning to set boundaries for myself. Everything felt so loud. Mateo was only wanting me, acting up a lot, and it was so triggering sometimes we’d both end up crying… a lot. Lmao.
My patience was thinning in every aspect of my life. Some days were easier, others were rough.
I was struggling.
It wasn’t all the time — sometimes it was just a few moments, other times it was a few times a week, or just a “shit ton” of moments 😂 — but when the lows hit, they hit low.
I remember realizing one day that once I am calm, Mateo is calm. I tried so hard to “manage my emotions” (which honestly looked more like trying to shut them down). I remember doing so good for a week, and then the next week… I was having the biggest internal battle not to lose it over everything.
🤎🤎🤎 Have you ever had that moment where you realized you were not okay, even when everything around you seemed fine? What did that moment look like for you?
