Nourish 🪴

As my postpartum anxiety and depression was at its peak, I slowly began to lose my appetite and my thirst. It’s weird to think about now, but once I decided to stop breastfeeding, it was like I also stopped eating and drinking for me. It didn’t happen overnight… Little by little, I started slipping.

Then the weight began to shed.

I’d want to eat, but then instantly I wouldn’t be hungry? It was sooo frustrating. Even if I forced myself I’d get grossed out so it wasn’t that easy.

Then sometimes I’d just forget to eat altogether. And even now, there are days I still don’t feel hunger the way I used to.

I’d wake up gagging from anxiety, that tight, unsettled feeling that lived in my chest for months. Honestly, I was freaking out internally at first. I thought maybe I was pregnant again (that was one of my early pregnancy symptoms with my son if I didn’t eat right away). Took a test — negative.

I also wasn’t sleeping the best. I’d finally fall asleep around 1AM, then wake up multiple times through the night. Or I’d be up with my son, trying to get him back down. My boyfriend and I were at the peak of a roller coaster, and I was just trying to hang on…exhausted, “killing it,” but forever struggling.

Then came the comments. The more I saw people, the more I heard, “You’ve lost a lot of weight.” And every single time, I just smile.. never know if it’s good or bad… do I look weird? Do I look too skinny now?

I recently went to the doctor to get my SSRIs increased & I weigh 122 pounds. What the actual F. I haven’t been this size since the beginning of my pregnancy (shout out to nausea lmao jk) or honestly, since I was about fifteen years old.

So while some people say they “wish they could lose weight like I did because of my anxiety,” they don’t realize how much it can mess with your body image. Don’t get me wrong I don’t want to seem ungrateful, I am very lucky to lose all the weight and more but I just wish it was healthier. My body has changed so much over the last three years…pregnancy, postpartum, breastfeeding, and now this. I’m so tired of getting discouraged trying clothes on. I never really had boobs to begin with, but my butt? I CANNOT afford to lose that too 😂

So all of this to say, I’m determined to get comfortable in my skin again.

Back to square one baby.
Here’s what I’m working on right now..

1. Drinking more water
I’m lucky if I finish two 16oz bottles in a day but I’m trying to change that.

2. Eat three meals a day
Right now it’s hit or miss for lunch. Dinner, always. I’m working on making it both then some

3. Move my body more
• Stand for at least one hour during work

• Walk on the treadmill for an hour during work

• Eventually, start running again – the goal was this week but I have to give myself grace. I can’t change everything overnight.

I had what felt like my dream body back in May, before all the weight loss but maybe God is showing me something different now. Maybe this is my reminder to care for myself again, not out of fear or pressure, but love because even though I’m starting over, I’m doing it for me this time 💗