My son woke up at 5:15 this morning 😩 YIKES. I am so tired. Yesterday he woke up before 4… I think we might need to move to only 1 nap??? It’s so hard though — he starts to get delulu when he’s tired and starts to f*** shit up 😂
Anyways, when I grabbed my phone to check the time, my wrist INSTANTLY hurt. I think I’m due for another steroid shot. I forgot that after I had my son, my wrists started hurting — carrying anything, even texting, would hurt so bad. The movement of my thumb felt impossible. It’s kind of like tendinitis but not exactly? (I dealt with that pain until 9 months postpartum.) So I was instantly in pain and really frustrated, because I didn’t think it would hurt just to grab my phone… so then, I had to go grab my son out of his crib he was ready to go for the day.
The morning itself was good — calm and sweet with my little bug. My mother in law is watching Mateo today, so as I’m on my way to drop him off, I get a message from my lead:
“The ACH payment run from Tuesday was never completed. I’m releasing it now.”
Right then I just took a deep breath and said, “F***.” Instantly crushed.
I recently started in the accounting department as an Accounts Payable rep — but we also handle receivables and some cash. We’re a two-person team for all of the U.S. (and we’re a global firm 😅). I knew it was going to be a bit of a mess going in, since the previous manager retired and they haven’t filled the role yet. But honestly, I needed the switch for my mental health. Focusing on one area, something I was already partly doing just made sense.
It’s only been about 2½ months, and I’m truly grateful they saw my potential and are willing to train me even without an accounting background. But with that comes pressure — pressure to learn, to maintain, to keep up, to grow. & I still am, but with chronic anxiety, it’s really hard to retain everything. I’ve learned so much already, but I even had to remind my manager to relax bit because he was getting mad I didn’t know things, I’m still new. The amount of lists I have are crazy.
The pressure I put on myself to do better, to be better, can be so draining sometimes. I’m not looking for protection or excuses — never that. I just get tired of messing up little things. My lead also has a lot of anxiety and stress and is super vocal about it, which can be a lot for me to handle on top of my own 🙃
With anxiety and depression, I’ve learned that it’s just a super intense feelings that I continue to ignore. I have to sit with it, i have to acknowledge what triggered me and why and allow myself to sit in it for a little… for me writing helps. Then I have to try and shake it off and keep going. 🫶🏼 soooo much easier said than done and if only it was really that easy but that helps me.
This morning… I’m having a hard time shaking it. Thank God for my SSRIs (my prescribed anxiety + depression meds). I’ve also learned to take my “hands-on” anxiety pill when I can’t pull myself out. I’ll be fine by lunch time. Lmao
No wonder I’m always so exhausted 😅 But still — I love my life. I wouldn’t change it for the world 💗
Happy Friday ☀️
